Im scared

OK we all know I love Gray Anatomy Seriously I do

So tonight like every other Thursday night, the tears roll. Why I just love the writing. For some reason the writing this season has been tailored made for me ( OK not me but you know). Tonight my favorite line came from Baily " Of course he's (I'm) scared Look around)

I feel like that, truly scared. Through this whole ordeal I'm living. I know that's were some of my "anger" and "sadness" comes from. Its just I'm scared to death to trust myself and other close around me. I have this felling like nobody has my back. I get smacked on the side of the head out of the blue. When I discover some new lie or find out some pretty important information months after the fact. It literally takes my breath away. I panic that the firm foundation's I have or trying to build for Abby and I is being taken away again!!

Living in fear is not OK How do I stop it, fix it...The fear feeds itself to breeds more fear because than I fell like "I will always feel this way".. I know I'm in control of my own feelings and I have to take ownership of them.. BLA BLA BLA....But when someone lies to you to your face for over a year, when your made to fell disposable and worthless even as the mother to your child..when your so de-valued, you don't get common courtesy, its HARD AND SCARY. So ya I'm scared when I just look around

Tomorrow is a new day!!! You don't know how grateful I am for that.